My life as a 20-something yr old with a muffin top, who lives in a foreign country and has a thing for hot nerds.


So the weather is  miserable and  i am bored out of my brain,
i realised i hadn’t made any  attempt to chase up the  johnny depp

Usually i run straight to Rory for all things love.  It’s helpful to
have a bestfriend who know’s more about this stuff then oprah and doctor phil
put together. But due to the whole being on the other side of the world thing,
and time differences,i had to wing it myself.

I sent him
‘hey buddy, hows your aussie accent coming along’

he replied
‘it’s bloody great mate but a dingo ate my baby’

me: ‘yeah that happens to me all the time =)’

him: ‘now im starving to death, would you like to eat with me tonight’

me:’sure, how about at blockhouse’

him:’ sure i’l meet you at 7″‘

I think i did well, this counts as a date right ?
It was pretty easy!

When i got there he looked a little less Johnny depp then i remembered
infact it was more a kind of postman pat look he had going on.
But i figured i was hungry anyway and he might be a nice guy,
he was kind of funny.

We get inside the restaurant and he kindly reads the menu to me,
it is german, which i like to think i speak quiet well.
Also most things are written in english.
Cheeseburger, caesar salad, baked potato.

Awesome, thanks postman pat guy, i would have never
guessed baked potato meant baked potato.

The waitress kindly offers a vegetable platter to start with,
it’s pretty much just carrot’s with sour cream.
And he commits the unthinkable he begins double dipping.
It makes me stomach churn and he eats how i’d
imagine a monkey in the zoo to chow down a banana.

That plus the postman pat thing,
sadly this man is not the one to break my sex drought.

It began to get worse, when our main meal comes out
there was all kinds of sauces in little jugs that you
could pour on to your meat or in my case potato.

And this is when his double dipping becomes out of
control, not only does he not pour the sauce onto his meat.
He dips his chewed up steak into every single little jug.

He seems so serious and concerned when he asks if i don’t like sauce ?

Finally out the restaurant i’m glad to live just the next street over.
He offers to walk me home, but i told him it’s fine.
That’s when he kissed me. It was more like when a dog licks your tongue.
 ”We can continue this back at my place if you want” (how generous of him to as me”

“No thanks, i ummm have to do stuff bye” And i walked away.

I could never date a man who double dips.


There are some days when i don’t want to leave my bed.
I don’t know why, it’s not the wrong time of the month,
i don’t have a hideous pimple and i didn’t walk into a door knob.

I shouldn’t feel like that on new years eve but i do.
I don’t want to squeeze my muffin top into a dress that’s too tight
and try to hold it all night.
My feet are begging not to be put inside cheap (and mostly likely stinky)
shoes that will give them blisters.

I had in my head that it would be a shit night,
Germany is cold, there is snow, it’s so cold !!!
your hands beg you to cut them off or wear ridiculous handshoes.

But i discovered last night i have some pretty amazing friends.
We decided to go to Pennys. We are very classy girls (plus one boy)
so we swigged vodka and made up great songs until we began to starve to

Mcdonald’s, isn’t it on everybody’s list of things to do for nye ?
Iv never eaten so fast or had mcdonald’s that tasted so good.

Then we successfully managed to catch the wrong train to the fireworks.
Which didn’t matter in the end because everybody just had their own fireworks.
TO explain it to you, with all respect to soldiers.
It’s how i managed a war to be (with out me actually getting hurt)
it was rather terrifying loud bang noises and fire.

After avoiding death we tried to go to our favourite bar.
Which decided to charge a crazy amount for entry that no one
was willing to pay.

And so we ended up eating kebabs. My first new years kiss was from
a 40+ year old turkish man who i practise speaking german to when i am
drunk. The first thing i ate was turkish food.
Maybe it’s signs that i should move to turkey, someday.

Due to inappropriate shoe choices by several of my lovely friends,
it was time to go home.

The thing about trying to get a taxi, while freezing to death alone, on new
years eve is that its rather awful.
I waited for at least 30minutes before it even felt like there was a chance i would get a taxi.
I made a bold move and moved away from the taxi rank and onto the street.
It wasnt even waving down taxi’s, it was jumping down taxi’s.

While i was mid jump 3 guys come and asked me where i was going.
They where all okay looking-like you would let your friends hook up with them.
But the one who stole my attention had big brown bambi eyes and he kept
doing a cute half smile. The kind of half smile that is a magic spell and you
would do anything he asked.

Luckily, all he asked me to do was talk so he could imitate my
accent. We shared a taxi for a whole  20minutes.
His friends thought they where rappers which took away from the excitement a little.
But Big Brown Bambi eyes gave me his number.So i didn’t find Brad Pitt but he could pass for johnny depp.
(to be continued)

Rory on meeting guys at bars

 So i called Rory and let him know how easy it was to find a
rival for Brad Pitt, he say’s no way and seems pretty impressed.

But then i have to come clean about the whole thing and tell
him that the Brad Pitt rival had a girlfriend who is
apparently pretty and nice.

R; Hb, where did you meet this guy some seedy bar ?
Me: No it wasn’t a seedy bar it’s a really cool bar.
R: what the hell are you crazy. don’t you know
guys at bars are just trying to get laid or making sure
their partner isn’t get laid and before you ask me it’s
not a gay guy thing, it’s the way the world works thing.
Me. Seriously Rory, how do you even come up with these rules.

R; drunk people go to bars. drunk people want to have sex. Or desperate guys know
that drunk people are most likely to put out.
Me. Mmmmhmmm.
R; how many guys have you dated that you met at a bar ?
Me; (it takes me a moment to think about it, sadly i used to do this thing where i dated guys just
because i was bored.) “none”
R; and how many guys have you had a one night stand with have you meet in a bar.
Me; you have a point.
R; you didn’t even take it seriously, hello earth to sarah. You are not trying to get laid
you are trying to meet a super hot guy who doesn’t want a one night stand or anything else from
you for that matter.

Damn it. Why is it that he knows everything. Iv known Rory my whole life.
But i swear the day he came out of the closet he got sent the “encyclopedia’s of love” from gaymen direct.

So Rory has given me 3 chances to “pull a Brad Pitt rival”
It’s really just two because i have already used one up on lying jerk with girlfriend
and now im not even allowed to meet this brad pitt rival guy at a bar.

I called Penny and asked her what she thought about trying to meet a cute guy at the new years eve thing
we are going to. Which is basically us standing around a harbour with a bunch of other people looking
at fire works saying ohhhh ahhhh.

I figure new years eve is a perfect time because everyone is feeling depressed about
being single because they had no one to kiss.

 Mission-pull a hot guy, this does not mean sleeping with him. It just means getting him interested in me. I can’t sleep with him, as much as i would want to. Which is as much as a fat kid wants to eat cake. I need to make sure he is interested in my ultra cool mind versus the fact that i have boobs and a vagina.

Rory will not win, i Will win this. Mostly because i do not want to shout him drinks in the australian bar when he comes to visit me in Germany. On that note, i’m not sure if it’s a gay guy thing or just a Rory thing,but why the hell does he want to come all the way to Germany to go to an australian bar.

Anyhow im cheating a little bit already, i made myself look as good as possible. I spend 30 mins attempting to straighten my hair-all i really did was tame it. And i managed to find a boho-chic looking out fit. I need all the help i can to pull a guy who “rivals brad pitt”.

I am going out with my friend Penny, as much as i love her i am slightly jealous of her. Her hair always looks effortless she easily does the sexy bedhair look. Penny also knows how to dress for cold weather. She pulls off the sophisticated hot office worker look.I just layer on all the warm clothes i have and end up looking kind of like a sausage roll with too much pastry. If you have never seen a sausage roll, it’s possibly the ugliest food item in the whole world.

We go to our favourite bar it’s called Haus73 in the sternchanze. (Anyone in Hamburg come check it out-buy us a drink)When we get there its pretty dead, which is sad. I ask the bar guy who just happens to look like that hot guy from supernatural in nerd  form. (i want to have his babies, but penny says he has googly eyes).Bar guy tells me most people are having christmas with their families. Of course they are.

Penny and i sit on a funky looking sofa, sip vodka orange and scan around the room.We both notice the football table. Pen has some genius idea’s on how to pull men. She suggests we play and laugh loudly and classy and speak english a little loudly as to look like cute tourists to attract men.

We played 2 games, but sadly the only guy we attracted was someone who looked like otto from the simpsons dressed as a hippy. He was drinking a chocolate milkshake and had his dog with him.I felt rejected when he declined the invitation to play with us.

I decide to order more drinks from cute bar guy. He doesn’t make any attempt to
talk to me (so much for the babies).
Penny and i sit back down on the funky looking sofa.
and BINGO.

2 hot looking, brad pitt rivals and their 2 not so good-looking friends are playing with the football table. Perfect ! In fact they are so hot looking and similar looking they could be twins. They both have big blue eyes the colour of the ocean in photographs. (i think it usually looks better in photo’s then in person) They have short blonde hair, and the one who takes my breath away has slightly red blushed cheeks it looks absolutely adorable. I just want to walk right up to him and kiss his face a million times, the way old people do to babies.
We watch them play and we laugh at them and smile at them. They must know we are trying to flirt.
Come on boys help us out. Penny notices them whispering at each other and tells me they must be talking
about us!

I had to wait for the perfect moment to make a move for hot brad pitt rival. He drops his glass. Yes, Penny yells out “taxi”. He looks strangely at us. I notice he didn’t say sorry to cute bar guy who is now cleaning up the glass. So it takes a bit of courage but i went straight over to him and said “look that guys cleaning up your glass, you didn’t even say sorry, it’s kind of rude” “ohh your right” he looks at the cute bar guy and tells him “entshuldigung” (german for sorry) Then he asks where im from and before i know it i am asking if the other guy is his twin.where he works. How was christmas. I even compliment his english.

He tells me his name is Fabian. Fabian the hot brad pitt rival is sitting with me. He is telling me how well i speak german and that im pretty. He really likes my stockings (which are black with a flower pattern). Everythings going perfect. He seems very interested in ME.

Until his not so good looking friend starts talking to Penny. Penny drags me to the toilet. She tells me that my brad pitt rival Fabian has a girlfriend who is apparently very nice and very pretty. “fuck, shit, cunt”

We go back to the funky sofa. So i come right out with it,

Me:you have a girlfriend ?

Bradpittrival: not exactly. I don’t know what it is. I really like her and she really likes me. But it’s weird because her dad is my boss so i don’t know. (does everyone date their bosses kid)

Me; do you love her ? do you live with her? do you talk to her everyday ?

BPR;no i don’t love her, i don’t live with her.

Not so good-looking friend interrupts and says they are all leaving to go to reeperbahn. He begins talking in german telling him don’t be stupid and go with them. BradPittRival tells him this girl is sweet maybe we are going to have sex or something don’t say anything to Line. (assume that’s his girlfriend)

I guess he thinks mine and Pennys german is not so good. He lied about the compliment when he said my german was good. He lied when he said he doesn’t know it’s his girlfriend.

 Penny tells me she’s hungry. We tell the boys including Bradpittrival we have to go. We go and eat kebabs.


FAILED–to meet a super hot guy interested in my personality but will keep trying.


My best friend Rory is as gay as the sky is blue. He is one of the most delightful, delicious and brutally honest men in the world. He has no hesitations in telling you when your ass looks fat, your cellulite looks like baked beans or if a random stranger has something green in their teeth.

 He reminds me of myself in the way that we are both love addicts. I hate to admit it and i have taken the piss out of him alot of times. But every little girl and gay boy plans their wedding and their children’s names right. It’s kinda like playing the sims but with your own life.So as we talk about the hunt for the elusive prince perfects, we tend to bitch about couples we know alot. It makes us feel better because we are do not have plus one’s to bring to random wedding invitations.

 We do not agree on important bitchy about other couple matters. Rory has just let me in on a secret that i have been trying to ignore for..ever. People date people on their level of attractiveness.

 R: it’s the truth HB (he calls me hotbitch which i love him even more for but i am not worlds greatest typer so it will be abbreviated to HB)

Me: no way, iv seen ugly girls dating hot guys and vice versa. Maybe there are some people left in the world that aren’t superficial. Maybe there are some people left in the world that realise when they are old and ugly and out of viagra, it’s somebodies mind that you need to be in love with.

R: (laughing and choking on bacon sandwich) Seriously Sarah, how many of these people do you actually know. How many hotchicks are dating ugly guys ?

Me: uhhhh look at (now i have to make up friends names here, if they read my blog they could be possibly offended) Emma and Drake. Emma is gorgeous, sure she looks a little bit anorexic but she has perfect hair, perfect clothes and she even has cute eyes, not beautiful eyes but green eyes that are shaped like cats eyes, there really is nothing cuter. And she loves Drake, even though he clearly eats to many cheeseburgers, wears oldman sandles and has less hair on his head then a baby duck.

R; your fucking kidding me sas, you do know who and what his mum ?

Me: ehhh some kind of ex stripper billionaire ?

R; She’s Emma’s boss, as in that fatface boss she is always bitching about. The devil wears prada crazy fashion designer. The one who gave Emma her dream job.

Me: OMG what ? seriously ? i guess i don’t talk to her enough. So Rorz what came first the chicken or the egg ?

R: She dated him then got the job.

Me: but, err they had a baby.

R: ohh yes then she got a promotion.

 We spent alot of time thinking about couples we know, and we could not find one that was a hottie and a nottie that are deeply in love. As much as it depresses me, i have decided on a mission. Pick up a guy out of my league, prove to Rory that said hotty had no ulterior motives. He was just attracted to my super personality.



new years resolutions

So here i am making new years eve resolutions, I know it’s toxic. I have made alot of new years eve resolutions in the past. In fact I like making resolutions so much that i even make them randomly, for example “from monday be  a classy weekend drinker instead of morphing into a trashy girl who thinks she is hilarious” ( I picked up a guy a  few weeks ago by telling him my son’s name is cheese in german)(im an australian living in germany)(more about the guy later).

new years resolutions

1) start a blog. The world will see how ridiculously hilarious I am.
publishing companies will want me to write books.
I will become the next “insert name of popular blogger here”.
Or perhaps some other people will relate to my brutally honest thoughts about
men, muffin tops and cheap shoes.

2)get healthy. im not at the point of obese. I can see my own toes.
I only have one roll of fat on my stomach not a baker’s dozen.
(all be it more a loaf of fat then a roll) iv always been an
average size which I have no problem with, although it used to be.
I tried all those dumb diets, where you just drink water with lemon juice
or eat only soup or eat only green foods.
but iv been alive for 23 years now and i keep discovering more and more
delicious foods. (i am an australian who just moved to germany)(may have mentioned this already)
So im going to try this new thing which is pretty simple, il stop
eating when im no longer hungry.
I also sadly googled at 2am ways to become a runner.
what i found was some cool podcasts “couch to 5k” there’s a lot
of old people commenting saying how great it is to begin running at age
60/70/ even 80. Which makes me realise i am one of those people who
believe if she did it i can.

Surely i can right ?

I want to write a million other resolutions about how I won’t waste money on
unnecessary sparkly shoes, or cute hair clips. How i’ll stop leading on guys who
have girlfriends. Hell even that il shave my legs more often.
But for now i think i can just manage these two.