My life as a 20-something yr old with a muffin top, who lives in a foreign country and has a thing for hot nerds.

Posts tagged ‘johnny depp’

my date with the double dipper


So the weather is  miserable and  i am bored out of my brain,
i realised i hadn’t made any  attempt to chase up the  johnny depp

Usually i run straight to Rory for all things love.  It’s helpful to
have a bestfriend who know’s more about this stuff then oprah and doctor phil
put together. But due to the whole being on the other side of the world thing,
and time differences,i had to wing it myself.

I sent him
‘hey buddy, hows your aussie accent coming along’

he replied
‘it’s bloody great mate but a dingo ate my baby’

me: ‘yeah that happens to me all the time =)’

him: ‘now im starving to death, would you like to eat with me tonight’

me:’sure, how about at blockhouse’

him:’ sure i’l meet you at 7″‘

I think i did well, this counts as a date right ?
It was pretty easy!

When i got there he looked a little less Johnny depp then i remembered
infact it was more a kind of postman pat look he had going on.
But i figured i was hungry anyway and he might be a nice guy,
he was kind of funny.

We get inside the restaurant and he kindly reads the menu to me,
it is german, which i like to think i speak quiet well.
Also most things are written in english.
Cheeseburger, caesar salad, baked potato.

Awesome, thanks postman pat guy, i would have never
guessed baked potato meant baked potato.

The waitress kindly offers a vegetable platter to start with,
it’s pretty much just carrot’s with sour cream.
And he commits the unthinkable he begins double dipping.
It makes me stomach churn and he eats how i’d
imagine a monkey in the zoo to chow down a banana.

That plus the postman pat thing,
sadly this man is not the one to break my sex drought.

It began to get worse, when our main meal comes out
there was all kinds of sauces in little jugs that you
could pour on to your meat or in my case potato.

And this is when his double dipping becomes out of
control, not only does he not pour the sauce onto his meat.
He dips his chewed up steak into every single little jug.

He seems so serious and concerned when he asks if i don’t like sauce ?

Finally out the restaurant i’m glad to live just the next street over.
He offers to walk me home, but i told him it’s fine.
That’s when he kissed me. It was more like when a dog licks your tongue.
 ”We can continue this back at my place if you want” (how generous of him to as me”

“No thanks, i ummm have to do stuff bye” And i walked away.

I could never date a man who double dips.


his no brad pitt, but his certainly johnny depp

There are some days when i don’t want to leave my bed.
I don’t know why, it’s not the wrong time of the month,
i don’t have a hideous pimple and i didn’t walk into a door knob.

I shouldn’t feel like that on new years eve but i do.
I don’t want to squeeze my muffin top into a dress that’s too tight
and try to hold it all night.
My feet are begging not to be put inside cheap (and mostly likely stinky)
shoes that will give them blisters.

I had in my head that it would be a shit night,
Germany is cold, there is snow, it’s so cold !!!
your hands beg you to cut them off or wear ridiculous handshoes.

But i discovered last night i have some pretty amazing friends.
We decided to go to Pennys. We are very classy girls (plus one boy)
so we swigged vodka and made up great songs until we began to starve to

Mcdonald’s, isn’t it on everybody’s list of things to do for nye ?
Iv never eaten so fast or had mcdonald’s that tasted so good.

Then we successfully managed to catch the wrong train to the fireworks.
Which didn’t matter in the end because everybody just had their own fireworks.
TO explain it to you, with all respect to soldiers.
It’s how i managed a war to be (with out me actually getting hurt)
it was rather terrifying loud bang noises and fire.

After avoiding death we tried to go to our favourite bar.
Which decided to charge a crazy amount for entry that no one
was willing to pay.

And so we ended up eating kebabs. My first new years kiss was from
a 40+ year old turkish man who i practise speaking german to when i am
drunk. The first thing i ate was turkish food.
Maybe it’s signs that i should move to turkey, someday.

Due to inappropriate shoe choices by several of my lovely friends,
it was time to go home.

The thing about trying to get a taxi, while freezing to death alone, on new
years eve is that its rather awful.
I waited for at least 30minutes before it even felt like there was a chance i would get a taxi.
I made a bold move and moved away from the taxi rank and onto the street.
It wasnt even waving down taxi’s, it was jumping down taxi’s.

While i was mid jump 3 guys come and asked me where i was going.
They where all okay looking-like you would let your friends hook up with them.
But the one who stole my attention had big brown bambi eyes and he kept
doing a cute half smile. The kind of half smile that is a magic spell and you
would do anything he asked.

Luckily, all he asked me to do was talk so he could imitate my
accent. We shared a taxi for a whole  20minutes.
His friends thought they where rappers which took away from the excitement a little.
But Big Brown Bambi eyes gave me his number.So i didn’t find Brad Pitt but he could pass for johnny depp.
(to be continued)